The Hope Of Recovery

Hope makes me feel so high

As if it was a drug

I was sinking at the bottom

Now I’m flying from above.

I have been so hurt

Its hard to give it my all

Can I trust this happiness

When finally I’m standing tall?

New hope, new chances

Recovery soon will start

The glue to hold me together

To fix the pieces falling apart.

All I needed was to begin

I had the tools all along

When I’ve been feeling weak

It’s hard to remember that I’m strong.

Trust this new found feeling

Ignore the scary voices

I need to trust myself

To make the right choices.

I’m not going to lie

Something says I don’t deserve this

When you’ve been put down for so long

Its a hard feeling to miss.

Recovery is a mountain

You are sure to loose your breath

Please don’t let it break your spirit

Keep the promises you kept.

The others saw my reflection

When I thought I disappeared

Glass is always smashed

But true self is never smeared.

Hope was never gone

It has always been there

Just reach inside yourself

To end this dark nightmare.

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Inspired by my Aussie Bestie Tahlia, New friend & clumsy neighbour Jade, Blonde-boy Stephen, Mum’ma & Daddy ❤ and my amazing followers thank you for your support always

❤ Amy Belle

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Lost Girl Inside

Little strawberry-blonde girl is lost

Never ending it seems to be

She’s seeking the end of this tunnel

Now I see this girl is me.

Monsters hide inside this place

But they don’t jump out and scream

They prey with hate when she is weak

Nasty, twisted, mean.

Angels hold her heart

Her soul is so gentle

The devils pulls at her feet

Is this her eternal?

No it is not death

But her battle deep inside

Now she can see a little clearer

This tunnel has become wide.

A small beam of hope appears

It shines blue and white

She can find her way out of here

She just needs to follow the light.

Shards of glass she must walk

Painful, bleeding, tearing

But now the end is near

She is way beyond caring.

Little girl she has grown strong

This fight she always had

She just needed to find her way

To see there is good and bad.

Monster’s stay away!

You can’t hurt her anymore

She has courage now

She’s opening the door.

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Amy Belle

 

 

The Vintage Junkie: Curvy Girls Vintage

As a size 16 I struggle to find clothes that fit me and make me feel good in the standard shop. I love vintage clothing because it provides me with a variety of decades and styles to play with. When shopping for vintage clothing you need to remember that you are buying an item that is one of a kind and one item may fit differently to another even though they are the same size! I tend to ignore the sizing of the item because it isn’t compatible with todays sizing and focus on the measurements and material instead. When buying vintage clothing online sometimes measurements aren’t given and you obviously can’t try it on- so I focus on the style of the item and go up a few sizes. Here is a few of my favourite dresses:

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This late 1960’s dress is my absolute favourite vintage find from my collection! The large peter pan collar balances out my shoulders, and the material stretches around my body and pulls me in at the waist.

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I love the 1980s! The style of this decade was oversized and very larger than life. The extra material provides extra room for your curves. The prints are also very vibrant and fun. The length of this dress falls at the ankles which make you feel like a proper lady!

Have fun vintage shopping and find your own style! You are all beautiful 🙂

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Love Amy Belle

 

You Are My Sunshine: Thank You Followers!!

I awoke this morning from a horrible nightmare and low mood. I struggled to get out of bed and then turned my phone on and found myself bursting into tears of happiness. I had endless messages and comments of love and support, from people all around the world.

My followers on WordPress, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and Outlook are my sunshine today. I am feeling overwhelmed and grateful that you have taken the time out of your day to send me words of comfort. Mental illness can be isolating and scary, but with you by my side I feel I can fight this battle.

Thank you so much, with endless kisses and love.

Keep on fighting, we are in this together.

Lots of Love, Amy Belle

Special Mentions: My crochet-queen Jackie on the river, Tahlia and Coco in Aussieland, My poorly Leslie M I LOVE YOU

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Introduction to DBT: FIX ME

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I went to collect my pack to prepare for the “RELAY” (Regulating Emotion & Looking After Yourself)” programme. This is a 6 week intensive group therapy course to prepare you for DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy). Its a process to filter through those who are willing to engage in services before they waste thousands of pounds employing a therapist for DBT.

You have three attempts to attend. If you fail you go to the bottom of the list, that means waiting years for the opportunity again. This is my third and final attempt. The first time I attended was two years ago, when I was ignorant and thought that ignoring my problems would fix me. I turned up for the course thinking I knew all the answers, walking out half way through the first session. My second attempt was last year and I went shopping for the day instead of attending. Now is my last chance.

My mind is racing. I’m fighting with myself, thinking that everything is fine and I can carry on as I am. Another part of me is thinking: SCREW THIS I DONT DESERVE HELP! I DESERVE TO SELF HARM AND DIE! The other part of me is thinking: I can’t keep on harming myself. I deserve to be happy, this is an opportunity and I need to shut up and do it.

I’m sceptical about how sitting in a classroom full of therapists and filling out a word document is going to help me. Life isn’t fixed with a piece of paper. How can you undo 25 year of pain?

The scariest thing is having to sit in a room full of strangers discussing my darkest thoughts. I done group therapy a few years ago and turned up like a hard-nosed cow thinking that I was the only person in the world who self harmed, but by the end of the session I was in tears hugging other people who has been through what I had, and I suddenly didn’t feel so alone.

Something has changed recently, I want to get better. I think it was being dumped and having my heart broken, not needing to have a man to define myself and finding out who I am. The consultant psychiatrist said to me if I don’t to this and I take another overdose my body will shut down and I will die. My body can’t take anymore trauma and neither can my mind.

It’s never easy, but nothing is.

Amy Belle

Rebuilding our bridge: A letter to my mother

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Dear my darling Mum’ma,

Our love has taking many beatings

We have had a hard year

And through the thick and thin

Thank you for being here.

We love in different ways

Its been hard to understand

I know you were always in the shadows

And there to hold my hand.

I said some nasty words

That I didn’t really mean

I was trying to find who I was

Frustrated at the distance in between.

You are the strongest women

That I’ll ever really know

I know that  weakness

Is something you never really show.

I thought that you was cold

I’ve very emotional

Now I’m growing up

I know your love is unconditional.

I was an angry child

Somethings you could not protect me from

That was not your fault

Sometimes life can go wrong.

I have blossomed into a young lady

And it’s mostly down to you

I hope that we can move on

And you know I love you too.

9 months you carried me for

Breathed life into me

I will always be your little girl

My best friend you’ll always be.

Lots of Love

Amy Rose

Where has my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Gone?

 

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Everyone has a thing. Especially people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). It might be hand washing, organising, being germ free; mine is cleaning. This photo of my cleaning products is a shock- this is a quarter of what I used to use! I used to have so many cleaning products that when my landlord looked under the sink to fix a pipe he joked: “Blimey! I can tell you’re a nurse!”

But its not nursing where my OCD comes from. It first started when I was 21 years old, and my Mum would tell me off for constantly moving things around the house. I was tidying and cleaning everything. It got worse, to the point where I would come home from work and clean my room for hours on end. My Mum eventually let me keep the hoover in my room! When I moved in with my Dad it got out of control. We used to joke about it, but my constant need to clean was driving him mad. I wouldn’t cook dinner and I would make cups of tea in the sink. He would tell me that the place was already clean and I didn’t need to do it. But I would end up in tears and have a panic attack until my cleaning ritual was completed.

When I moved into own my flat I would spend all day cleaning it. My neighbour’s complained the building stank of bleach! I would collapse into bed, absolutely exhausted. When I woke up my first thought was I needed to clean again even though it wasn’t dirty. I would cancel plans with friends so I could stay in and clean.

 When I was depressed I didn’t clean at all, when I was anxious I cleaned obsessively. I didn’t seem to have a happy medium. Until now. The doctor increased my Duloxetine from 30mg to 60mg a few weeks ago. Duloxetine is useful for treating depression, anxiety and OCD. I feel a lot more calmer and level.

During therapy me and my therapist explored the purpose behind my obsessive behaviour: I felt I had to clean to deserve my parents love. I know now that love is unconditional.

I currently have a normal cleaning routine that doesn’t stop me from living my life. My mind is clear, which is a really nice feeling 🙂

Amy Belle x

Vintage Junkie does 80’s

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We have a new member joining Vintage Junkies Anonymous: Ditzy-Rose Hamster! 

 

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Gorgeous 1980’s vintage tea dress found at charity shop Age Concern £7.99

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Not brave enough to do all over vintage? Cut the top off a dress to make a skirt and wear it with a plain cute tee

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Don’t forget your vintage scarves make perfect hair bands 🙂

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Check out your local thrift or charity shops for some vintage bargains and get creative!

Lots of love Amy Belle x

 

 

When you’re a nurse with a mental illness…

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“Good morning, my name is Amy and I’ll be your nurse for the day”

I hold a unique prospective: I am an axillary nurse and a mental health patient. Nurses with mental health illness is a grey area. After all nurses, doctors and care givers have super hero status. You place your life in their hands, and trust that they have your best interests at heart.

Mental health illness amongst nurses is actually very wide spread. It just isn’t talk about as often as it should be. I have seen nurses in tears with anxiety, spoken to doctors with depression, and met carers who struggle to get out of bed in the morning. The one thing that keeps them going, is their job.

I have been nursing for 7 years. For the first time in my life I am taking a break to focus on my own mental health recovery. I feel as though my identity has been stripped away from me. After all I’ve spent so long looking after others, its difficult to put that aside and look after myself. I believe that my own struggle with mental health illness has helped me to connect and empathise with my patients better. They feel as though they can confine in me, and trust that when I am saying I understand, I understand.

When I was depressed, going to my job was the only thing that kept me going. I have a huge hole in my heart, which only being a nurse can fill. I love looking after other people, and making them feel safe and well. I enjoy watching them grow with good health and confidence. When I am nursing I become someone different; confident, chatty, bubbly and able to cope with anything thrown my way. How is it that I can remain calm when someone is having a heart attack yet worry about walking into my local shop?

Mental health illness does not discriminate against age, gender, religion or occupation. The more we talk about mental illness the more we can understand it and help prevent the miserable suffering of millions of people.

I feel a little selfish for saying it, but I need to fix myself before I can fix someone else. Then I can be an even better nurse. 

DON’T GIVE UP!

(Nurse) Amy Belle x